Matthew under the arm 128

Being younger than Columba, I had been walking faster than he had. The head wind made the waking tiring, if not exhilarating. So I waited on him by a style for well over an hour. He appeared eventually, surrounded by five men who were shouting at him as they walked. He had his head bowed. This was a frightening scene. ‘You are a waster. You have been on this pilgrimage for months,’ they bawled, ‘and attracted those followers of yours. You walk through our villages and expect us to feed you out of our poverty. Pass on….with that useless friend of yours.’ Columba looked at them and said gently,’ You are not poor. Why do you speak on behalf of those who are? What are you frightened of…’ I hid behind the wall….

Matthew 26:57-68

This is one of those classic Gospel scenes where what is not said is of the greatest significance. Fear dominates every character and submerges the truth under the cloak of ‘righteousness’.. Christ was afraid, but his uniqueness in the scene is that he behaves out of the truth of what he is thinking and feeling. There is a resistance to accept that Christ was fearful. That, however, is to turn away from the God who loves through the bleakness of fear. The severe beauty of Christ is that he can see the fear of the Sanhedrin, who must annihilate this perceived religious threat by any means. And seeing, he engages with the silence of God. That same beauty, faltering though it may have been, is in the fear of Peter who wanted to see what the end would be’. The glorious beauty is not to be found in avoidance but in these fragile moments of powerlessness in His Passion. That is when the Christian Church is at her most beautiful when we live and breathe out of powerlessness.

I WOULD BE STILL WITH THE SILENCE AND BEAUTY OF GOD THAT LOVES IN THE MIDDLE OF FEAR

There are countless ways of using this passage for mediation and prayer. I would recommend that you allow yourself at least half an hour simply to read and read repeatedly the story, identifying in each reading with different characters, including Jesus himself. Note down your feelings. Remember not to assess those feelings. No judgement! Then with one image or word simply be there with Jesus, allowing the affect to surround you of his ‘seeing’, his ‘understanding’. When you are finished, it is important to note down what happened in the period of mediation. Reflect not just Christ’s Passion, but your Passion.

+Martin
Argyll and The Isles.

Matthew under the arm 128

Last night, I was awake for most of the night. After all these months with Columba, I had finally realised that he wasn’t mine. Oh yes! There were moments along the way when my desire for Columba’s love was ‘seen through’ and I had learnt my lesson. Or so I thought! Now that the pilgrimage is reaching a climax, I am so disappointed in myself that I still feel that Columba’s love is now, not just of the countless pilgrims along the way, but for ‘pilgrims’ in their myriads down history long after I am forgotten. My wakefulness was exacerbated. I thought of my desire for Columba to give me a sense of direction; a security in God. I wanted him to be the great leader and me to be recognised as his ‘minder’, the one who had made it possible for him to be ‘famous’. Tonight, he looked at me at the table while we were finishing our meal and said: ‘I love you and that love is for you to give away, not to suffocate…!’ He stood up, shook his head and sat by the fire. I was left alone in my resentment.


Matthew 26:47-56 The arrest

The pain of this passage is that I can identify with both responses. The first is betrayal. Perhaps I will only betray the one whom I love. That’s why Judas’ betrayal includes the detail of the kiss! (Perhaps a new slant on ‘The Kiss of Peace’!...) Betrayal is a form of poisonous resentment: a hatred even; that my own deep love does not bring about that person as my possession. That kind of love wants to define and control love for my own fulfilment. To fall in love and then realise that that love is not solely mine, but is part of others lives as well, can lead to suppurating jealousy. Unlike envy, jealousy is destructive of both me and the one I love. Second, there is the violent reaction of the follower, who drew a sword to defend Jesus. I can almost see the clenched teeth. Jesus sees through both responses and allows himself to be abandoned into the hands of those who really want to destroy him. Oh! This story touches the very base of us! Alleluia! Try this sentence in the silence….

COME TO ME IN YOUR MOMENTS OF ABANDONMENT AND REALISE MY LOVE FOR YOU THERE.

You cannot hate someone you do not love. In the silence of your prayer, in the presence of Christ, live in your memory of the occasion when you perhaps hated someone, even if it was only for a moment. If you say that you have never hated anyone, then perhaps you are lucky, or perhaps it is too painful to acknowledge. Look at the history of the relationship that went from delight to poison. With Christ, allow the silence and his acceptance of you to heal deeply. Now, one visit to this relationship will not necessarily heal the hurt within you. You may return and return… However, only do so provided you have someone you trust (a spiritual director, for examp;le) with whom you can share this spiritual and psychological process.

+Martin
Bishop of Argyll and The Isles

Matthew under the arm 127

I began to sense days ago that this journey, this pilgrimage was nearly over. What next in my life? There are circumstances back home which I left many months ago and which I had forgotten until recently. A fellow pilgrim had brought me news that my own region was suffering from starvation and disease, particularly among the poor. Here was I on pilgrimage while those that I loved would be suffering and perhaps even resentful that I was in easy circumstances. I became afraid of returning home. Had the pilgrimage become an escape for me?

Matthew 26:36-46

In recent productions of the Oberammergau Passion play, the two acutely traumatic scenes to watch were Jesus with his intimate friends in the Garden of Gethsemane and, of course, the Crucifixion. Any comparison would be absurd. The agonising sense of abandonment in the Garden was for me almost impossible to watch. ‘My soul is sorrowful to the point of death’ is one of the sayings of Christ in this scene, that is often overlooked. Perhaps the sheer pressure on Christ’s heart was getting dangerous.. The clenched teeth can almost be felt as he then cries for the ‘cup that he has to drink to pass by’. The desolate and, perhaps, silent scream of the Son of God, can be pictured by imagining Eduard Munch’s famous painting: ‘The Scream’. This scene of Christ’s agony does not tell us of the conquering of fear. Rather, fear and dread are quite simply faced.

THAT YOU MAY BE AWARE OF MY PRESENCE IN YOUR DEEPEST MOMENTS OF ANGUISH AND LOSTNESS

Fear and one of its symptoms: anxiety, reveal the most vulnerable part of the human psyche. Most would do anything to avoid being seen to be fearful. Worse, to experience fear can be an intensely painful and isolating experience. One reaction is to fight; come out ‘punching’. Another reaction is to run away somehow. The difficulty is that to run away from fear is to assume wrongly that you don’t take it with you! The third reaction is to stand and acknowledge it. This is perhaps the most important moment in any inner life that is going to be entered upon with courage. The meditation sentence assumes the ‘voice’ of the Christ who knows desolation, is offered so that the fear you experience can be faced. But you would be well-advised to share it with someone who is a spiritual director or a listener whom you trust.

+Martin
Argyll and The Isles