Matthew under the arm 128

Last night, I was awake for most of the night. After all these months with Columba, I had finally realised that he wasn’t mine. Oh yes! There were moments along the way when my desire for Columba’s love was ‘seen through’ and I had learnt my lesson. Or so I thought! Now that the pilgrimage is reaching a climax, I am so disappointed in myself that I still feel that Columba’s love is now, not just of the countless pilgrims along the way, but for ‘pilgrims’ in their myriads down history long after I am forgotten. My wakefulness was exacerbated. I thought of my desire for Columba to give me a sense of direction; a security in God. I wanted him to be the great leader and me to be recognised as his ‘minder’, the one who had made it possible for him to be ‘famous’. Tonight, he looked at me at the table while we were finishing our meal and said: ‘I love you and that love is for you to give away, not to suffocate…!’ He stood up, shook his head and sat by the fire. I was left alone in my resentment.


Matthew 26:47-56 The arrest

The pain of this passage is that I can identify with both responses. The first is betrayal. Perhaps I will only betray the one whom I love. That’s why Judas’ betrayal includes the detail of the kiss! (Perhaps a new slant on ‘The Kiss of Peace’!...) Betrayal is a form of poisonous resentment: a hatred even; that my own deep love does not bring about that person as my possession. That kind of love wants to define and control love for my own fulfilment. To fall in love and then realise that that love is not solely mine, but is part of others lives as well, can lead to suppurating jealousy. Unlike envy, jealousy is destructive of both me and the one I love. Second, there is the violent reaction of the follower, who drew a sword to defend Jesus. I can almost see the clenched teeth. Jesus sees through both responses and allows himself to be abandoned into the hands of those who really want to destroy him. Oh! This story touches the very base of us! Alleluia! Try this sentence in the silence….

COME TO ME IN YOUR MOMENTS OF ABANDONMENT AND REALISE MY LOVE FOR YOU THERE.

You cannot hate someone you do not love. In the silence of your prayer, in the presence of Christ, live in your memory of the occasion when you perhaps hated someone, even if it was only for a moment. If you say that you have never hated anyone, then perhaps you are lucky, or perhaps it is too painful to acknowledge. Look at the history of the relationship that went from delight to poison. With Christ, allow the silence and his acceptance of you to heal deeply. Now, one visit to this relationship will not necessarily heal the hurt within you. You may return and return… However, only do so provided you have someone you trust (a spiritual director, for examp;le) with whom you can share this spiritual and psychological process.

+Martin
Bishop of Argyll and The Isles